It's weird

Life is. What is it. Sometimes I think about it and I get confused. Maybe it's why I can't be worried about being laid off. I'm 27. 27 years old. What is that? How am I here? If I'm lucky I'll live to be old. Or is that lucky? What is my first priority? To serve God. So getting laid off, working contract gigs. That can only help me do that. And if I'm flat broke, great. At least I won't be stuck behind a desk all day. I'll be doing what I'm made to do. Something bigger than this, I've felt this for awhile. I don't want to be a 9-5er or 9-6er. I want to serve God. That's the kind of work that's right for me. Even though it doesn't make the big bucks haha.

So anyways. My last post, you know. I want a job, I want to feel stable. I want to be a clone. I wanna suburban home. If I had contract work I wouldn't be tied down to this area all the time, I could go to Mexico, take trips. I don't necessarily have to be here to do all that. So yay for getting laid off! Check back in a couple of weeks to see how I feel about this then haha

the best part is i don't have to wear a tie everyday now

what are we searching for?

ld

I got laid off

I really didn't see it coming. Yeah the company wasn't doing the greatest but it had been like that for awhile. I had just finished a big project and am getting ready to release it. So my boss calls me into his office. Normally these meetings are always good. My boss said I exceeded expectations and that I have great programming skills. But, basically the company's outlook was grim. The sales floor is practically empty. So I have two weeks left. So I need a job and if you know of anyone who is hiring let me know. I enjoy doing web development and photography, but am not limited to that. Here is my resume. I am skilled in:

Visual Basic.Net
Javascript
HTML
AJAX
VBScript
SQL

Here is a more detailed list:
Programming Languages: Proficient in HTML, VBScript, Visual Basic.Net, AJAX, Javascript and SQL.
Have some knowledge of the C++, C#, Java programming languages
Software: Visual Studio.Net, VNC, PCAnywhere, Veritas Backup, Macromedia Dreamweaver/Fireworks, Adobe Photoshop/Pagemaker, SQL Server, mySQL, Macromedia Director, SalesLogix, Microsoft Exchange and all Microsoft Office programs
Operating System technologies: Windows Server/Desktop Systems, Active Directory, RAID, ASP.Net, IIS, Access Control Lists, Software Update Services, Remote Installation Services, Windows Backup, WMIC
Networking technologies: Routers, firewalls, switches, TCP/IP, DNS, DHCP, VPNs

Jimmy crack corn

Did anyone ever really care?

Make pizza, not war

This was on the CPK kids menu. Obviously meant to confuse the youth of today. Pizza means slice in Italian? So pizza by the slice doesn't make any sense. Or it means, that the things we think of as pizzas are actually just slices of a larger entity. I challenge you to order a slice of pizza by just saying I'd like a pepperoni pizza. In reality, they should just give you a big slice of pepperoni because that's what you just ordered. Weird.

SPAM

Do you ever think about Spam and while you still get it? Doesn't everybody hate it? Doesn't everbody delete it? Maybe not. Why would these people still be sending it unless someone was buying the things they were advertising? There must be some sort of market it for it, or we wouldn't keep getting it. I think I saw a new story on this once, some guy loved spam.

Here's a recent story: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/10/weekinreview/10basicsB.html?em&ex=1165899600&en=4441ea48dc7cffba&ei=5087%0A

90% of e-mail is SPAM. Cool! Google somehow has the best spam filter, I've only got one spam e-mail that has been able to get through it in the past 2 weeks.

Hi.

Information Overload

Does anyone else's family send them an abundance of forwards warning them about cell phone telemarketers, driving in the rain with your cruise control, and other such nonsense? How about not getting out in your car or talking on the cell phone when you're getting gas? How many instances of somebody exploding have happened because they were on the phone at the gas station? I'm guessing it's none. But we must be warned of everything, so we'll put signs on everything. Everywhere, to warn us of impending doom. BE CAREFUL! Sit in your house, lock the door, board up your windows and wait to die! Because if you go outside, the radiation from the power lines will kill you. Yah. And I'm supposed to remember all of this? Most of the time I just look at it, click delete - especially if it tells me to forward it to five people.


I don't get my brain. You probably don't either. I don't get how I have a mental calendar, how when people say certain dates my brain automatically thinks of something someone else has told me about on that day, or that I have nothing to do. Is it like the Dewey decimal system at the library? Is my brain a bunch of sun-stained index cards sitting in tiny drawers? What is conciousness? What is this? What IS all this?

bleeding ears

ok not really. Seriously who had the idea for a guitar. Ok I looked it up. The guitar derives from something called the cithara in ancient central asia. Who the heck decides to wrap some strings around something strum it, and decides that it sounds good or not. How do we evaluate what music sounds good? Sometimes I can't even tell you if or a band is good or not, because I don't know how I judge that. When people ask me what kind of music a band is, I don't know unless I look at their myspace. I try and describe the sound, but I usually just end up saying oh they're really good you should listen to them. How do I know what's good? Weird. I thought I had more to say, but I don't.

Honk, si esta enojado

What is the obsession in the country with honking your horn to show the other guy who's boss? It's so annoying, everyone goes around honking angrily, like it's going to do anything. It hasn't even happened to me in awhile I just see people on the road get so mad about one car getting in front of them. Seriously, the stress you give yourself over the 2 seconds you lost by that guy cutting in front of you probably is shortening your life by more than 2 seconds. And then you spend all that time being mad, which impacts the rest of your day. Is it just California? I don't think so. We all just need to calm down, really that's my point.

I have a solution for global warming. Let's move to the moon. Then, we paint a big dome so it looks like the earth. Why doesn't Kofi Annan push for that? It's probably more realistic than getting China, India or the US to sign onto the Kyoto Protocol. Maybe no one has suggested it to good ol' Kofi. Maybe.

help-less

Isn't it weird. That feeling of helplessness? The feeling that you can't rely on anything here? The feeling that you, yourself, cannot do anything. Cannot change the world, but oh how you long to. Longing to do something more, but the time has not come.

And time, it just keeps going. You can't stop it. You're just wasting it right now. Why are you reading this? Why am I writing this? It's something we already know, but we forget. We get stuck in our bubble, in our comfortable little worlds. It's a trap really. A snare. Forget about everything else, just think about ourself.

And we just keep spinning. And spinning. Going in circles, it's our whole life.

Quiero

Quiero aprender espanol. Fui a mexico el viernes pasado, era un buen tiempo. Lunes, yo dijo "no quiero ir a trabajar" Siempre hay muchas problemas y muchas cosas que necesito hacer. No quiero los cosas de este mundo. Ahora quiero estar en un lugar diferente. Quiero trabajar pero no quiero ver una computadora todo el dia. Adonde puedo ir? No se. Tengo mucho que necesito hacer antes de yo puedo salir. Pero, no quiero hacer nada. Quiero ir. No se adonde. Ahora? En un mes? En un ano? No se. Solamente quiero ir cuando es el tiempo de Jesus. Cuando El quiere yo voy, yo voy. Donde El quiere yo voy, yo voy.

Notes to myself

I prayed at an abortion clinic this past weekend. I didn't really want to, but I wanted to get out of the boat. I wanted to do something for God that made me feel uncomfortable. I got there and I saw the people walking in to have this done and the people walking out who have had it done. I look at their faces. Most tell so much, or hide what's really going on with a plastic smile. I want to scream that it's wrong, that they can't do this. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. I know that 1.3 million babies being killed a year is an incomprehensible number to me. I can barely imagine 1,000 people let alone 1.3 million. It makes it easier to forget. The building that 6,000 of these happen at a year looks like any other on the street. There are no big signs that say "Abortions are happening here." Rather, it's a plain brown building guised under the name "family planning" center. It's sad really. We don't value human life or truth anymore. And I feel guilt for not doing more, for not being there to pray and petition God. To let people know that this is not the only option, that the enemy has deceived them. It's so much easier to forget about.

I was reading this book this weekend about missions. In Asian countries, where Hinduism is the main religion there are many people starving while cows roam freely. Rats are sacred in the Hindu religion and spoil 20% of the food supply a year. When the government tries to kill the rats so that the people can have more food, there is a huge outcry. The problem isn't the lack of food, it's that these people are worshipping false gods. They need Jesus, just like the people at the abortion clinic do. Their hearts are hungry but deceived. The writer reminds us that yes it is important to supply the physical needs for people who need it, but we should not forget their spiritual needs.

Ok I should go to sleep. I'm sure I'll think of more to write, I didn't feel particularly inspired to write tonight. Just sort of bored. At 2am. Ha.

ever had a day?

Where it all seems surreal? I think that's the word I'm looking for, I almost can't comprehend words right now. Conversation, work, life, my senses. It all doesn't seem real right now. Memories are forgotten, things that are familiar become new. I get like this sometimes and then I forget about what I'm doing, I forget about me and I just want to go. I really don't know what that means, I'm kind of just letting the words flow right now. My head feels different right now and no I don't do drugs. It's just the way I get when I think about things too much, it's sort of a freeing feeling though. I can't even explain it. But it helps me realize God's great creation. And how I want to do more for Him. How I don't want to fear the world or death. I want to do something crazy for my Creator, but only if it's His will. All these things here. They'll fade. What am I doing?

this one goes to eleven.

Seriously, how did this all happen? How did we get here. Our hearts beating, blood pounding. For a hundred years or less. We go to school, we sit in offices and work way too much, have fun, stress out, pay taxes, travel some, get married, have some kids, get old, retirement. And then it's done. We're forgotten. Because this world isn't about us, what we can attain. Our lives are like video games, we're just trying to get to the next level. Constantly. Eventually, you run out of lives or the game ends. And then what? There's nothing. Except in video games you can start over. We've only got once chance here. To do what? Make money? Live the good life? Somehow I don't feel that's what's right. Deep inside me, something ticks and tells me. Lucas: There's more. There's more than you. I want to ignore it, my flesh does. I want to build something cool, a new website, spend all my money on dumb stuff. But when I do that, the next day I feel empty. Because I won't be fulfilled by things of this world.

my work is pretty much the epitome of what i don't want. not my position so much, I like the work I do and I enjoy the people I work with. i'm not saying I'm going to quit or anything. I'm just saying what we do here is call people who spend way too much money and have a home when they probably can't afford one. They're "living the good life"? Stressing about bills, money. One paycheck away from losing their house, probably. I'll be OK without those things.

i love this feeling. i love to think differently.

lucas

i don't know

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking and I plan on finding out what that is" - Zoolander

Nothing too exciting

I have a bachelor in loan origination haha. They don't give these out to every Tom, Dick and Harry that come along. Did you ever notice that those were the names of the characters on the TV Show Third Rock from the Sun? That show was pretty funny. Anyways, I know nothing about loan origination. Warning, this post is not intended to be deep or interesting.

Today I received a notice from Sallie Mae, that my loans have been consolidated and I now don't have to pay as much every month. Yee haw! And I don't have to start paying them until December :). So that means: 1. I can pay off some other debt in the meantime. 2. When I'm done paying off the other debt, I can pay off the loans that weren't consolidated faster, or save. Sweet. And I'll still be a strapping young lad, only 47 years young when my loans are paid off. Oh man. hmm yes. that's all

ld

Lost

How do you lose a huge 80 dollar NIV study Bible between your truck and your apartment? I don't really know, but somehow I did it. I miss my study notes, but hopefully it will motivate me to think more on my own instead of just reading all the stuff at the bottom. i had a couple of things in my Bible that I REALLY didn't want to lose.. Oh well, it's just stuff. We'll see about the thinking on my own thing.



I watched March of the Penguins today. I didn't expect to be that intrigued by it as I was. The penguins have something inside of them that tells them to go and find their partner, and how to keep each other warm in -80 degree weather with 100mph winds. Oh yah, somehow they survive for months without food and have to walk 70 miles at least twice to get food.

"I don't know, really. It's just that I identified with them. I know it sounds crazy, but as I watched I felt like I was one of those penguins. They have this radar inside them that told them when and where to go and none of it made any sense, but they know on the very day their babies are being born, and the radar always turns out to be right. I have a radar inside me that says to believe in Jesus. Somehow, penguin radar leads them perfectly well. Maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow the radar that is inside of me." - Blue Like Jazz

God's creation is so awesome, so unexplainable. We just take it for granted. Science can explain God away. We can rely on science to heal us, and if it can't we give up. We forget how awesome God is, at least I do. Everyday I should look out my door and be amazed, I should forget about myself but I don't. One day I'm going to look back and be sad about how much time I wasted, sinning. Because anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't, sins.

I'll finish on a lighter note, two bands I've been listening to on my Itunes a lot:
Brandtson
Scratch Track

hehe

Counting up my demons

Worry consumes me at times, and it angers me that I let it get to me this much. Can I add an hour to my life by worrying? Will worrying change the things that I am so concerned about? No. I should be confident in God’s plan, I should know that clothes the grass of the fields and if He does that for the little things, then He’ll take care of me.

I had a dream twice last night, or at least I felt like I did. Some of us were in my garage, I don’t know who these people were. I think a couple were Amish or Orthodox Jews. Death was in it, he was a funny little green guy in a black cloak. I think he was going to fix my broken bike or something, at least I expected him to. He just kept being really rude, I think at one point he bit me on the arm. Then we took communion, but the Jewish/Amish kids hogged the communion bowl because they were really thirsty. It wasn’t really a pleasant dream. I had a dream about a plane crash the other night too, Alicia and I were walking in the Crossroads parking lot and we saw this old WW2 looking plane, and it was smoking – heading down. All of the sudden the right wing fell off and it started swooshing around and started coming back towards us. That is all I can remember.

Crappy Little Elves

So tonight, it was Friday. I decided to stay at home and clean up. Maybe fix a laptop or two that I've been putting off for far too long. But first, a nap. Oops. I wake up it's 2AM and my phone apparently died during my 7 hour "nap" I'm supposed to go help Alicia move her sister tomorrow, so I missed that call and now I'm so rested that I can finally get some of that cleaning done. So I fix the laptops, and I'm going through this box of Precious Moments figurines that my mom gave to me because she thought they would be worth something. She gave them to me like 4 years ago, I just haven't cared enough to do anything with them. But now, now I'm in my get rid of everything phase. So let's see how much these babies go for on ebay. Well the one above, some ebay store was selling it for over 300 freaking dollars. I saw another listing for like 75, and people were actually willing to pay that much. I'd be happy to get 50, I've got like 5 or 6 more of these figurines but I don't think any of them are worth as much as this one. It's amazing what people will pay when you make less of something and slap "collector's item" on the bottom.

I've been listening to this Dead Milkmen CD I got on Monday called Eat Your Paisley. They have this one song called Air Crash Museum about this guy who is going to feed his cattle and the plane carrying Richie Valens and the Big Bopper and the other people that everyone forgets that were on that plane has crashed on his lawn. So he stuffs the bodies and makes an air crash museum. The song is so wrong on so many levels but I think looking at those Precious Moment figurines made me sort of identify with it. You can find someone to pay for anything.

I'd better go now, I should sleep for a couple more hours at least :)

Here am I Lord, send me?

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." - Luke 9:61-62

Jesus . . . said to him, ’One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor . . . and come, take up the cross, and follow Me’ - Mark 10:21

I’m still here.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. Somehow I got stuck in this routine. Somehow I’ve amounted a bunch of attachments, or encumbrances, that keeps me from what is next. Not necessarily bad or evil things, but stuff that holds me back. Friends, bills, job: a routine. Oswald Chambers describes the guy in Luke 9 as a man who is fiercely ready to go, but never does. He has to go back to take care of things that aren’t really important before he follows Jesus. That’s what I feel like and it’s frustrating to be here. Or am I going already and just don’t know it? Can waiting be a part of going? Am I willing to give it all up, to give it all away and not look back?

A Beautiful Surrender

So I went to see Mute Math for the 5th (?) time last night. This time they were playing at the Henry Fonda theater, which apparently has such great security that they don’t even let the musicians in. (The picture above is the drummer from Mute Math waiting to get inside). It’s not my favorite concert venue for a number of reasons. They have the camera Gestapo that of course notices my camera, but not the other 50 that got into the venue. Apparently once you are crafty enough to sneak your camera inside, it’s OK to take pictures. Another great thing about this venue is they like to start their concerts early (which is the reason I missed Mute Math there last time), by 8:30 the first band was off the stage and the concert started at 8. Then Shiny Toy Guns came on, they were pretty good. Mute Math was next and gave an awesome performance as usual. I stood there in a sea of people singing along to lyrics like “Such a beautiful surrender” and “I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before” and wondered, do these people even know what they are singing? It made me wonder, could I write some idiotic catchy tune and sing it with enough intensity that people would sing along, not even thinking about what they are singing? Probably, I’ve come to think as of late that words are pretty meaningless to people. People will sing to anything, I do it too. It made me think of worship, well because Mute Math’s lyrics for the most part are that. I thought about how sometimes I just sing the lyrics because that’s what the powerpoint guy puts up on the screen. I wondered if when I run powerpoint if I could put up some nonsensical lyric to a song and would people sing along? I’d probably get excommunicated or something, but it would be an interesting experiment.


In other news I think I have a concert hangover. I don’t drink, I just think that staying out late and listening to loud music gave me a bad headache haha. We went to this cool record store called Amoeba beforehand and I got some random music including some CD of 1930s recordings of a bunch of women singers from “torrid regions”, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones and another Dead Milkmen CD called Eat Your Paisley. I picked up the Joshua Tree cd too by U2, but not for me.

minimalism

I want to get rid of everything. Seriously, I want to be detached from stuff. My stuff defines me and I despise it.

1st Corinthians says
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

Hmm. Verse 3 seems to hit home. I've just been reminded again and again and even again how central love is to everything in the gospel. And again.



The airport is an amazing place. People come, people go. From all over the world. It's amazing how it all works, how the radar systems and the radar dudes control hundreds or thousands of flights coming in. The security, the parking, all the maintenance. It's really amazing when you think about all that goes on there, especially all that goes on at LAX. (FYI, the X in LAX doesn't stand for anything I found out) And 99% of the time nothing goes wrong. Us little people moving around so quickly, going from place to place. Rushing around. This society, our egos tells us that we are so important and big and that getting the next schnazzy thing is really what matters. But really, we're just little people on this little planet in this ever expanding universe. In reality, we're getting smaller and smaller all the time in comparison to the universe. We go from point A to point B and think and worry about what tomorrow will bring. We don't even know if tomorrow will exist for us, or for the world. But no one likes to think about that, no one likes to think about the bad things that could happen tomorrow and prepare themselves for it. Because it won't happen to us, no never, life is always going to be hunky dory.

James 4
13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

living radically

I want to live more radically. I really don't know what that means, honestly. I was talking with a friend about riches on this earth. The majority of me doesn't want that, I know I could have a job that paid way more than what I make right now. But do I really want that much money? Not really, I'd probably just spend it on something dumb anyways. I don't think I can be trusted to use that much money wisely, at least yet. Every time I get a raise or a bonus I say I'm going to save it, but somehow it all goes away somewhere. A plane ticket, a retreat, insurance. Not even things that are necessarily bad to purchase, but I think I'm more carefree with my money when I know I have more and I just end up unconciously spending more than I normally do. And then I get stuck. I can't pay off these bills, I have to be in this place doing the same thing everyday of every week. When really I want to live radically, but I'm stuck here. And I want to break out of this confinement, this vanity that is the South Bay. I don't want to be defined by the money I make or the vehicle I drive, I don't want those things to matter to me. Sometimes I think that I will have to get rid of all my stuff. Boxes full of who knows what in my closet, video games, playstation 2, desktop computer. All that junk I have but I don't really need. I don't want to have to be asked, I want to do it, I want to have the desire to be rid of all of those things. So live more radically. But how, how can I take this first step? Well, I think it's pretty radical (not in the TMNT sense), but living out of the back of my truck is one of the few ways I can think to do it. As I sit here, as I look at the stuff around me that defines who I am, I just want to be more rid of it. Throw it away, give it away, sell it. Really it doesn't matter. It was so great being at the orphanage in Mexico, mixing cement and hauling dirt. All the stuff I thought meant to me. It didn't. I want to know that feeling on a deeper level, I want to somehow be scared about how little I have. I don't want to rely on myself or even try to for the things in life. People already do, but I think I want people to think I'm living so radically that they think I'm crazy.

Oh yah I recorded a song with the new John Kooker - it can be heard at www.myspace.com/nancydistributor

lucas

livid

my dad and step-mom: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

yes. seriously. they were criticizing me at lunch today. for what? my hair. i'm not even kidding. the fact that I had gel in my hair, they went on for five minutes about my hair. I told them let's change the subject, but somehow that doesn't convey the sentiment of hey shut up well enough because my dad didn't stop. Oh that was just the beginning, but I'll stop there.

limited reality

i don't know why I titled the post that. Really, I guess it's what's been on my mind lately. How I really can't conceive of things the way they are. The world is just too amazingly big, and my little world is too amazingly small. Or is it? I don't know. It's been confusing me. So yah. Oh yah and my eating habits are still weird. Yesterday I had two slices of pizza and tried to eat a Quizno's salad but I don't even think I got halfway through, maybe the bag o' doritos I had before the salad filled me up?

Big lizard in my backyard

We have to blow up the things we don't understand!

back to the grind...

mental diarrhea

everything is more stressful today. here we are on planet earth, running around in this REALLY little circles. Our consciousness limits our reality. Seriously. It's so funny. The universe is so big, but our world is so small. We're worried about us, our job, our future. You know how many other people are worried about the same thing, and seriously it doesn't get you anywhere but one step closer to the end. Forget it, why are you worried about the database server locking up. If it didn't, you might get two more minutes of work done but I doubt that is going to have a huge effect on your overall output. Stop stressing out, slow down. Take life a little bit easier. Find your purpose, is it selling loans? Most of the purpose in this area is a vanity that is unlike any other. Buy the next car, get the next thing, what's next, what can I get. I don't want that, I don't want a house, I don't want a wife, I don't want 2.5 kids, I don't want a schnazzy ride. When I say I, I mean the deeper part of me. The sinful, regular Lucas wants all those things. But deep down, I want to serve God. If I get those things while serving God I won't complain and I'll give Him glory. I'm done with the vanity.

stressed

I was fine last night. I read my Bible, I read some of Blue Like Jazz, i found my old journal that I hadn't written in in three years. I was content. I was ok with being still for once, it was nice. I asked God to lead me. I told Him His will was more than enough for me. This morning, I'm upset again. Some days I can't deal with the world, with this job, with what my mind thinks about. I want to fast again, but I hate that I do it so much. Actually, I am fasting right now but I don't think I will let it last very long. I get so worried all of the time about the dumb cares of this world, I fast to tell God to help me remember what is important. His Glory, His will. Not my stupid concerns. We're so small, we're little. We're running around going nowhere. And I want to stop, but I can't. I want to forget what's important to me, forget this job, forget who I am. I want a new identity. Or maybe I just want the identity I've lost back. What happened to the joy I once had?

"Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." - Revelation 2:5

Looking at my journal, I realized how far I've fallen. I was so happy as a new believer, three years ago. I wanted more than anything to please God. I could sit for hours and play guitar, journal and read. I had no full time job and I had no clue what was in store for me next, but I was content. I had a smaller community than I do right now, but I was happy that God had given me the people He did give me. Now I have no clue what is next and it worries me. I want to know. God give me answer I scream. And he's silent, because really it's silly for me to ask that. He knows the plans He has for me. To prosper me. Not to harm me.

Lucas