stressed

I was fine last night. I read my Bible, I read some of Blue Like Jazz, i found my old journal that I hadn't written in in three years. I was content. I was ok with being still for once, it was nice. I asked God to lead me. I told Him His will was more than enough for me. This morning, I'm upset again. Some days I can't deal with the world, with this job, with what my mind thinks about. I want to fast again, but I hate that I do it so much. Actually, I am fasting right now but I don't think I will let it last very long. I get so worried all of the time about the dumb cares of this world, I fast to tell God to help me remember what is important. His Glory, His will. Not my stupid concerns. We're so small, we're little. We're running around going nowhere. And I want to stop, but I can't. I want to forget what's important to me, forget this job, forget who I am. I want a new identity. Or maybe I just want the identity I've lost back. What happened to the joy I once had?

"Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." - Revelation 2:5

Looking at my journal, I realized how far I've fallen. I was so happy as a new believer, three years ago. I wanted more than anything to please God. I could sit for hours and play guitar, journal and read. I had no full time job and I had no clue what was in store for me next, but I was content. I had a smaller community than I do right now, but I was happy that God had given me the people He did give me. Now I have no clue what is next and it worries me. I want to know. God give me answer I scream. And he's silent, because really it's silly for me to ask that. He knows the plans He has for me. To prosper me. Not to harm me.

Lucas