Quiero

Quiero aprender espanol. Fui a mexico el viernes pasado, era un buen tiempo. Lunes, yo dijo "no quiero ir a trabajar" Siempre hay muchas problemas y muchas cosas que necesito hacer. No quiero los cosas de este mundo. Ahora quiero estar en un lugar diferente. Quiero trabajar pero no quiero ver una computadora todo el dia. Adonde puedo ir? No se. Tengo mucho que necesito hacer antes de yo puedo salir. Pero, no quiero hacer nada. Quiero ir. No se adonde. Ahora? En un mes? En un ano? No se. Solamente quiero ir cuando es el tiempo de Jesus. Cuando El quiere yo voy, yo voy. Donde El quiere yo voy, yo voy.

Notes to myself

I prayed at an abortion clinic this past weekend. I didn't really want to, but I wanted to get out of the boat. I wanted to do something for God that made me feel uncomfortable. I got there and I saw the people walking in to have this done and the people walking out who have had it done. I look at their faces. Most tell so much, or hide what's really going on with a plastic smile. I want to scream that it's wrong, that they can't do this. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. I know that 1.3 million babies being killed a year is an incomprehensible number to me. I can barely imagine 1,000 people let alone 1.3 million. It makes it easier to forget. The building that 6,000 of these happen at a year looks like any other on the street. There are no big signs that say "Abortions are happening here." Rather, it's a plain brown building guised under the name "family planning" center. It's sad really. We don't value human life or truth anymore. And I feel guilt for not doing more, for not being there to pray and petition God. To let people know that this is not the only option, that the enemy has deceived them. It's so much easier to forget about.

I was reading this book this weekend about missions. In Asian countries, where Hinduism is the main religion there are many people starving while cows roam freely. Rats are sacred in the Hindu religion and spoil 20% of the food supply a year. When the government tries to kill the rats so that the people can have more food, there is a huge outcry. The problem isn't the lack of food, it's that these people are worshipping false gods. They need Jesus, just like the people at the abortion clinic do. Their hearts are hungry but deceived. The writer reminds us that yes it is important to supply the physical needs for people who need it, but we should not forget their spiritual needs.

Ok I should go to sleep. I'm sure I'll think of more to write, I didn't feel particularly inspired to write tonight. Just sort of bored. At 2am. Ha.

ever had a day?

Where it all seems surreal? I think that's the word I'm looking for, I almost can't comprehend words right now. Conversation, work, life, my senses. It all doesn't seem real right now. Memories are forgotten, things that are familiar become new. I get like this sometimes and then I forget about what I'm doing, I forget about me and I just want to go. I really don't know what that means, I'm kind of just letting the words flow right now. My head feels different right now and no I don't do drugs. It's just the way I get when I think about things too much, it's sort of a freeing feeling though. I can't even explain it. But it helps me realize God's great creation. And how I want to do more for Him. How I don't want to fear the world or death. I want to do something crazy for my Creator, but only if it's His will. All these things here. They'll fade. What am I doing?

this one goes to eleven.

Seriously, how did this all happen? How did we get here. Our hearts beating, blood pounding. For a hundred years or less. We go to school, we sit in offices and work way too much, have fun, stress out, pay taxes, travel some, get married, have some kids, get old, retirement. And then it's done. We're forgotten. Because this world isn't about us, what we can attain. Our lives are like video games, we're just trying to get to the next level. Constantly. Eventually, you run out of lives or the game ends. And then what? There's nothing. Except in video games you can start over. We've only got once chance here. To do what? Make money? Live the good life? Somehow I don't feel that's what's right. Deep inside me, something ticks and tells me. Lucas: There's more. There's more than you. I want to ignore it, my flesh does. I want to build something cool, a new website, spend all my money on dumb stuff. But when I do that, the next day I feel empty. Because I won't be fulfilled by things of this world.

my work is pretty much the epitome of what i don't want. not my position so much, I like the work I do and I enjoy the people I work with. i'm not saying I'm going to quit or anything. I'm just saying what we do here is call people who spend way too much money and have a home when they probably can't afford one. They're "living the good life"? Stressing about bills, money. One paycheck away from losing their house, probably. I'll be OK without those things.

i love this feeling. i love to think differently.

lucas

i don't know

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking and I plan on finding out what that is" - Zoolander

Nothing too exciting

I have a bachelor in loan origination haha. They don't give these out to every Tom, Dick and Harry that come along. Did you ever notice that those were the names of the characters on the TV Show Third Rock from the Sun? That show was pretty funny. Anyways, I know nothing about loan origination. Warning, this post is not intended to be deep or interesting.

Today I received a notice from Sallie Mae, that my loans have been consolidated and I now don't have to pay as much every month. Yee haw! And I don't have to start paying them until December :). So that means: 1. I can pay off some other debt in the meantime. 2. When I'm done paying off the other debt, I can pay off the loans that weren't consolidated faster, or save. Sweet. And I'll still be a strapping young lad, only 47 years young when my loans are paid off. Oh man. hmm yes. that's all

ld

Lost

How do you lose a huge 80 dollar NIV study Bible between your truck and your apartment? I don't really know, but somehow I did it. I miss my study notes, but hopefully it will motivate me to think more on my own instead of just reading all the stuff at the bottom. i had a couple of things in my Bible that I REALLY didn't want to lose.. Oh well, it's just stuff. We'll see about the thinking on my own thing.



I watched March of the Penguins today. I didn't expect to be that intrigued by it as I was. The penguins have something inside of them that tells them to go and find their partner, and how to keep each other warm in -80 degree weather with 100mph winds. Oh yah, somehow they survive for months without food and have to walk 70 miles at least twice to get food.

"I don't know, really. It's just that I identified with them. I know it sounds crazy, but as I watched I felt like I was one of those penguins. They have this radar inside them that told them when and where to go and none of it made any sense, but they know on the very day their babies are being born, and the radar always turns out to be right. I have a radar inside me that says to believe in Jesus. Somehow, penguin radar leads them perfectly well. Maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow the radar that is inside of me." - Blue Like Jazz

God's creation is so awesome, so unexplainable. We just take it for granted. Science can explain God away. We can rely on science to heal us, and if it can't we give up. We forget how awesome God is, at least I do. Everyday I should look out my door and be amazed, I should forget about myself but I don't. One day I'm going to look back and be sad about how much time I wasted, sinning. Because anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't, sins.

I'll finish on a lighter note, two bands I've been listening to on my Itunes a lot:
Brandtson
Scratch Track

hehe

Counting up my demons

Worry consumes me at times, and it angers me that I let it get to me this much. Can I add an hour to my life by worrying? Will worrying change the things that I am so concerned about? No. I should be confident in God’s plan, I should know that clothes the grass of the fields and if He does that for the little things, then He’ll take care of me.

I had a dream twice last night, or at least I felt like I did. Some of us were in my garage, I don’t know who these people were. I think a couple were Amish or Orthodox Jews. Death was in it, he was a funny little green guy in a black cloak. I think he was going to fix my broken bike or something, at least I expected him to. He just kept being really rude, I think at one point he bit me on the arm. Then we took communion, but the Jewish/Amish kids hogged the communion bowl because they were really thirsty. It wasn’t really a pleasant dream. I had a dream about a plane crash the other night too, Alicia and I were walking in the Crossroads parking lot and we saw this old WW2 looking plane, and it was smoking – heading down. All of the sudden the right wing fell off and it started swooshing around and started coming back towards us. That is all I can remember.