living radically

I want to live more radically. I really don't know what that means, honestly. I was talking with a friend about riches on this earth. The majority of me doesn't want that, I know I could have a job that paid way more than what I make right now. But do I really want that much money? Not really, I'd probably just spend it on something dumb anyways. I don't think I can be trusted to use that much money wisely, at least yet. Every time I get a raise or a bonus I say I'm going to save it, but somehow it all goes away somewhere. A plane ticket, a retreat, insurance. Not even things that are necessarily bad to purchase, but I think I'm more carefree with my money when I know I have more and I just end up unconciously spending more than I normally do. And then I get stuck. I can't pay off these bills, I have to be in this place doing the same thing everyday of every week. When really I want to live radically, but I'm stuck here. And I want to break out of this confinement, this vanity that is the South Bay. I don't want to be defined by the money I make or the vehicle I drive, I don't want those things to matter to me. Sometimes I think that I will have to get rid of all my stuff. Boxes full of who knows what in my closet, video games, playstation 2, desktop computer. All that junk I have but I don't really need. I don't want to have to be asked, I want to do it, I want to have the desire to be rid of all of those things. So live more radically. But how, how can I take this first step? Well, I think it's pretty radical (not in the TMNT sense), but living out of the back of my truck is one of the few ways I can think to do it. As I sit here, as I look at the stuff around me that defines who I am, I just want to be more rid of it. Throw it away, give it away, sell it. Really it doesn't matter. It was so great being at the orphanage in Mexico, mixing cement and hauling dirt. All the stuff I thought meant to me. It didn't. I want to know that feeling on a deeper level, I want to somehow be scared about how little I have. I don't want to rely on myself or even try to for the things in life. People already do, but I think I want people to think I'm living so radically that they think I'm crazy.

Oh yah I recorded a song with the new John Kooker - it can be heard at www.myspace.com/nancydistributor

lucas