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meaningless

how does this life work? I'm sitting in my room analyzing it. I breathe in. I breathe out. How do I work? How am I able to think and converse with people? What the heck am I doing here? I'm so small. Here in this little city of Torrance. Everything is so much bigger than I. The world, the galaxy, the universe. But to me, most of the time I'm so big. Weird. Me defines what I do. Really, I don't get it. I don't get how people go without God. I don't get how I did it, how I still do it, or how I will continue to do it. How did everyone become so caught up in themselves and what we all can achieve? We're just sitting here on this earth, spinning around, going in little circles. And the earth is just going in one big circle. Meaningless. It almost makes me not want to do anything, but I can't do that. I don't know why, I don't know what drives me to go next. Really, honestly, truly. I just don't get it.

basically I come back to the question that plagues me: What is all this?!?!

BAD BATTERY

I went to autozone today and they tested my battery. You know what the test result said, on the nice little LCD screen? BAD BATTERY. I told the guy that's nice. It's so simple. I feel like everything in life is so complicated now. I'm a computer guy, but sometimes I'm like man, let's just use paper and ledgers again or whatever people used before computers. Stone tablets. Because hey, paper doesn't unexpectedly shut down. Paper doesn't give you weird error messages. Paper was good to us. One day you'll see, you'll all see. Paper fades though. That's one downside, but hey. You can see that coming.

In tribute to paper: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRBIVRwvUeE

children

i saw a video today on church about horrid living conditions for children in africa. they walk 8 miles every night to sleep on mats to escape possible abduction. sad. we constantly seek more. but by the standard of just having a car, to 92% of the world, we're rich. insane. i started to think, does america really care about children? and then I flashed back to last friday, when i was walking by a fire station in santa monica. there was a sign, you could drop your unwanted baby off there. you can abort your baby right after it's conceived, just take a pill! didn't know you're were pregnant? even months after it's conceived, just go to the clinic! or if you decide you don't want it then just drop it off and the government will take care of it. i prefer that option to dropping it in a trash can or aborting it, but these are human beings. not laundry. not trash. so i don't think america really cares about children. we say we do and when we see the pictures of these conditions we all well up with tears, but the truth is the actions of our country show something different.

oy vey

it's late. happy valentines day. I just don't feel like going to sleep. or shaving. i think i'll do that prior to going to bed though. I haven't really shaved my beard in two weeks, mostly been doing work from home right now. So what's the point? But tomorrow, well I figure 1. i'm meeting alicia for breakfast so it's nice to not look scraggly even though i don't think she cares. and 2. I picked up a new client through craigslist so i don't feel like looking like a hobo for them. Anyways. this whole indepedent contract thing is cool. i just have weird hours. I like it though. Hopefully I can get enough this month to keep me going for a little bit. Stuff always turns up. i'm really excited about the sharefest site. that's gonna be a fun one. so much to do. ok time to shave and stuff.

tired of applying for jobs

I got tired of applying for jobs. Really, it's just time consuming. Looking for a full time job IS a full time job. So I decided that I wasn't going to do it anymore. No, instead I took three hours and programmed a piece of software that will auto apply to Craigslist computer gigs and Dice jobs in Torrance with the keywords I want in them. It even checks if I've applied to the job before. The Craigslist portion is done, Dice is almost done. I should go to sleep now. Peace out.

ld

It's weird

Life is. What is it. Sometimes I think about it and I get confused. Maybe it's why I can't be worried about being laid off. I'm 27. 27 years old. What is that? How am I here? If I'm lucky I'll live to be old. Or is that lucky? What is my first priority? To serve God. So getting laid off, working contract gigs. That can only help me do that. And if I'm flat broke, great. At least I won't be stuck behind a desk all day. I'll be doing what I'm made to do. Something bigger than this, I've felt this for awhile. I don't want to be a 9-5er or 9-6er. I want to serve God. That's the kind of work that's right for me. Even though it doesn't make the big bucks haha.

So anyways. My last post, you know. I want a job, I want to feel stable. I want to be a clone. I wanna suburban home. If I had contract work I wouldn't be tied down to this area all the time, I could go to Mexico, take trips. I don't necessarily have to be here to do all that. So yay for getting laid off! Check back in a couple of weeks to see how I feel about this then haha

the best part is i don't have to wear a tie everyday now

what are we searching for?

ld

I got laid off

I really didn't see it coming. Yeah the company wasn't doing the greatest but it had been like that for awhile. I had just finished a big project and am getting ready to release it. So my boss calls me into his office. Normally these meetings are always good. My boss said I exceeded expectations and that I have great programming skills. But, basically the company's outlook was grim. The sales floor is practically empty. So I have two weeks left. So I need a job and if you know of anyone who is hiring let me know. I enjoy doing web development and photography, but am not limited to that. Here is my resume. I am skilled in:

Visual Basic.Net
Javascript
HTML
AJAX
VBScript
SQL

Here is a more detailed list:
Programming Languages: Proficient in HTML, VBScript, Visual Basic.Net, AJAX, Javascript and SQL.
Have some knowledge of the C++, C#, Java programming languages
Software: Visual Studio.Net, VNC, PCAnywhere, Veritas Backup, Macromedia Dreamweaver/Fireworks, Adobe Photoshop/Pagemaker, SQL Server, mySQL, Macromedia Director, SalesLogix, Microsoft Exchange and all Microsoft Office programs
Operating System technologies: Windows Server/Desktop Systems, Active Directory, RAID, ASP.Net, IIS, Access Control Lists, Software Update Services, Remote Installation Services, Windows Backup, WMIC
Networking technologies: Routers, firewalls, switches, TCP/IP, DNS, DHCP, VPNs

Jimmy crack corn

Did anyone ever really care?

Make pizza, not war

This was on the CPK kids menu. Obviously meant to confuse the youth of today. Pizza means slice in Italian? So pizza by the slice doesn't make any sense. Or it means, that the things we think of as pizzas are actually just slices of a larger entity. I challenge you to order a slice of pizza by just saying I'd like a pepperoni pizza. In reality, they should just give you a big slice of pepperoni because that's what you just ordered. Weird.

SPAM

Do you ever think about Spam and while you still get it? Doesn't everybody hate it? Doesn't everbody delete it? Maybe not. Why would these people still be sending it unless someone was buying the things they were advertising? There must be some sort of market it for it, or we wouldn't keep getting it. I think I saw a new story on this once, some guy loved spam.

Here's a recent story: http://www.nytimes.com/2006/12/10/weekinreview/10basicsB.html?em&ex=1165899600&en=4441ea48dc7cffba&ei=5087%0A

90% of e-mail is SPAM. Cool! Google somehow has the best spam filter, I've only got one spam e-mail that has been able to get through it in the past 2 weeks.

Hi.

Information Overload

Does anyone else's family send them an abundance of forwards warning them about cell phone telemarketers, driving in the rain with your cruise control, and other such nonsense? How about not getting out in your car or talking on the cell phone when you're getting gas? How many instances of somebody exploding have happened because they were on the phone at the gas station? I'm guessing it's none. But we must be warned of everything, so we'll put signs on everything. Everywhere, to warn us of impending doom. BE CAREFUL! Sit in your house, lock the door, board up your windows and wait to die! Because if you go outside, the radiation from the power lines will kill you. Yah. And I'm supposed to remember all of this? Most of the time I just look at it, click delete - especially if it tells me to forward it to five people.


I don't get my brain. You probably don't either. I don't get how I have a mental calendar, how when people say certain dates my brain automatically thinks of something someone else has told me about on that day, or that I have nothing to do. Is it like the Dewey decimal system at the library? Is my brain a bunch of sun-stained index cards sitting in tiny drawers? What is conciousness? What is this? What IS all this?

bleeding ears

ok not really. Seriously who had the idea for a guitar. Ok I looked it up. The guitar derives from something called the cithara in ancient central asia. Who the heck decides to wrap some strings around something strum it, and decides that it sounds good or not. How do we evaluate what music sounds good? Sometimes I can't even tell you if or a band is good or not, because I don't know how I judge that. When people ask me what kind of music a band is, I don't know unless I look at their myspace. I try and describe the sound, but I usually just end up saying oh they're really good you should listen to them. How do I know what's good? Weird. I thought I had more to say, but I don't.

Honk, si esta enojado

What is the obsession in the country with honking your horn to show the other guy who's boss? It's so annoying, everyone goes around honking angrily, like it's going to do anything. It hasn't even happened to me in awhile I just see people on the road get so mad about one car getting in front of them. Seriously, the stress you give yourself over the 2 seconds you lost by that guy cutting in front of you probably is shortening your life by more than 2 seconds. And then you spend all that time being mad, which impacts the rest of your day. Is it just California? I don't think so. We all just need to calm down, really that's my point.

I have a solution for global warming. Let's move to the moon. Then, we paint a big dome so it looks like the earth. Why doesn't Kofi Annan push for that? It's probably more realistic than getting China, India or the US to sign onto the Kyoto Protocol. Maybe no one has suggested it to good ol' Kofi. Maybe.

help-less

Isn't it weird. That feeling of helplessness? The feeling that you can't rely on anything here? The feeling that you, yourself, cannot do anything. Cannot change the world, but oh how you long to. Longing to do something more, but the time has not come.

And time, it just keeps going. You can't stop it. You're just wasting it right now. Why are you reading this? Why am I writing this? It's something we already know, but we forget. We get stuck in our bubble, in our comfortable little worlds. It's a trap really. A snare. Forget about everything else, just think about ourself.

And we just keep spinning. And spinning. Going in circles, it's our whole life.

Quiero

Quiero aprender espanol. Fui a mexico el viernes pasado, era un buen tiempo. Lunes, yo dijo "no quiero ir a trabajar" Siempre hay muchas problemas y muchas cosas que necesito hacer. No quiero los cosas de este mundo. Ahora quiero estar en un lugar diferente. Quiero trabajar pero no quiero ver una computadora todo el dia. Adonde puedo ir? No se. Tengo mucho que necesito hacer antes de yo puedo salir. Pero, no quiero hacer nada. Quiero ir. No se adonde. Ahora? En un mes? En un ano? No se. Solamente quiero ir cuando es el tiempo de Jesus. Cuando El quiere yo voy, yo voy. Donde El quiere yo voy, yo voy.

Notes to myself

I prayed at an abortion clinic this past weekend. I didn't really want to, but I wanted to get out of the boat. I wanted to do something for God that made me feel uncomfortable. I got there and I saw the people walking in to have this done and the people walking out who have had it done. I look at their faces. Most tell so much, or hide what's really going on with a plastic smile. I want to scream that it's wrong, that they can't do this. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what to do. I know that 1.3 million babies being killed a year is an incomprehensible number to me. I can barely imagine 1,000 people let alone 1.3 million. It makes it easier to forget. The building that 6,000 of these happen at a year looks like any other on the street. There are no big signs that say "Abortions are happening here." Rather, it's a plain brown building guised under the name "family planning" center. It's sad really. We don't value human life or truth anymore. And I feel guilt for not doing more, for not being there to pray and petition God. To let people know that this is not the only option, that the enemy has deceived them. It's so much easier to forget about.

I was reading this book this weekend about missions. In Asian countries, where Hinduism is the main religion there are many people starving while cows roam freely. Rats are sacred in the Hindu religion and spoil 20% of the food supply a year. When the government tries to kill the rats so that the people can have more food, there is a huge outcry. The problem isn't the lack of food, it's that these people are worshipping false gods. They need Jesus, just like the people at the abortion clinic do. Their hearts are hungry but deceived. The writer reminds us that yes it is important to supply the physical needs for people who need it, but we should not forget their spiritual needs.

Ok I should go to sleep. I'm sure I'll think of more to write, I didn't feel particularly inspired to write tonight. Just sort of bored. At 2am. Ha.

ever had a day?

Where it all seems surreal? I think that's the word I'm looking for, I almost can't comprehend words right now. Conversation, work, life, my senses. It all doesn't seem real right now. Memories are forgotten, things that are familiar become new. I get like this sometimes and then I forget about what I'm doing, I forget about me and I just want to go. I really don't know what that means, I'm kind of just letting the words flow right now. My head feels different right now and no I don't do drugs. It's just the way I get when I think about things too much, it's sort of a freeing feeling though. I can't even explain it. But it helps me realize God's great creation. And how I want to do more for Him. How I don't want to fear the world or death. I want to do something crazy for my Creator, but only if it's His will. All these things here. They'll fade. What am I doing?

this one goes to eleven.

Seriously, how did this all happen? How did we get here. Our hearts beating, blood pounding. For a hundred years or less. We go to school, we sit in offices and work way too much, have fun, stress out, pay taxes, travel some, get married, have some kids, get old, retirement. And then it's done. We're forgotten. Because this world isn't about us, what we can attain. Our lives are like video games, we're just trying to get to the next level. Constantly. Eventually, you run out of lives or the game ends. And then what? There's nothing. Except in video games you can start over. We've only got once chance here. To do what? Make money? Live the good life? Somehow I don't feel that's what's right. Deep inside me, something ticks and tells me. Lucas: There's more. There's more than you. I want to ignore it, my flesh does. I want to build something cool, a new website, spend all my money on dumb stuff. But when I do that, the next day I feel empty. Because I won't be fulfilled by things of this world.

my work is pretty much the epitome of what i don't want. not my position so much, I like the work I do and I enjoy the people I work with. i'm not saying I'm going to quit or anything. I'm just saying what we do here is call people who spend way too much money and have a home when they probably can't afford one. They're "living the good life"? Stressing about bills, money. One paycheck away from losing their house, probably. I'll be OK without those things.

i love this feeling. i love to think differently.

lucas

i don't know

"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really really ridiculously good looking and I plan on finding out what that is" - Zoolander