Nothing too exciting

I have a bachelor in loan origination haha. They don't give these out to every Tom, Dick and Harry that come along. Did you ever notice that those were the names of the characters on the TV Show Third Rock from the Sun? That show was pretty funny. Anyways, I know nothing about loan origination. Warning, this post is not intended to be deep or interesting.

Today I received a notice from Sallie Mae, that my loans have been consolidated and I now don't have to pay as much every month. Yee haw! And I don't have to start paying them until December :). So that means: 1. I can pay off some other debt in the meantime. 2. When I'm done paying off the other debt, I can pay off the loans that weren't consolidated faster, or save. Sweet. And I'll still be a strapping young lad, only 47 years young when my loans are paid off. Oh man. hmm yes. that's all

ld

Lost

How do you lose a huge 80 dollar NIV study Bible between your truck and your apartment? I don't really know, but somehow I did it. I miss my study notes, but hopefully it will motivate me to think more on my own instead of just reading all the stuff at the bottom. i had a couple of things in my Bible that I REALLY didn't want to lose.. Oh well, it's just stuff. We'll see about the thinking on my own thing.



I watched March of the Penguins today. I didn't expect to be that intrigued by it as I was. The penguins have something inside of them that tells them to go and find their partner, and how to keep each other warm in -80 degree weather with 100mph winds. Oh yah, somehow they survive for months without food and have to walk 70 miles at least twice to get food.

"I don't know, really. It's just that I identified with them. I know it sounds crazy, but as I watched I felt like I was one of those penguins. They have this radar inside them that told them when and where to go and none of it made any sense, but they know on the very day their babies are being born, and the radar always turns out to be right. I have a radar inside me that says to believe in Jesus. Somehow, penguin radar leads them perfectly well. Maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow the radar that is inside of me." - Blue Like Jazz

God's creation is so awesome, so unexplainable. We just take it for granted. Science can explain God away. We can rely on science to heal us, and if it can't we give up. We forget how awesome God is, at least I do. Everyday I should look out my door and be amazed, I should forget about myself but I don't. One day I'm going to look back and be sad about how much time I wasted, sinning. Because anyone who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't, sins.

I'll finish on a lighter note, two bands I've been listening to on my Itunes a lot:
Brandtson
Scratch Track

hehe

Counting up my demons

Worry consumes me at times, and it angers me that I let it get to me this much. Can I add an hour to my life by worrying? Will worrying change the things that I am so concerned about? No. I should be confident in God’s plan, I should know that clothes the grass of the fields and if He does that for the little things, then He’ll take care of me.

I had a dream twice last night, or at least I felt like I did. Some of us were in my garage, I don’t know who these people were. I think a couple were Amish or Orthodox Jews. Death was in it, he was a funny little green guy in a black cloak. I think he was going to fix my broken bike or something, at least I expected him to. He just kept being really rude, I think at one point he bit me on the arm. Then we took communion, but the Jewish/Amish kids hogged the communion bowl because they were really thirsty. It wasn’t really a pleasant dream. I had a dream about a plane crash the other night too, Alicia and I were walking in the Crossroads parking lot and we saw this old WW2 looking plane, and it was smoking – heading down. All of the sudden the right wing fell off and it started swooshing around and started coming back towards us. That is all I can remember.

Crappy Little Elves

So tonight, it was Friday. I decided to stay at home and clean up. Maybe fix a laptop or two that I've been putting off for far too long. But first, a nap. Oops. I wake up it's 2AM and my phone apparently died during my 7 hour "nap" I'm supposed to go help Alicia move her sister tomorrow, so I missed that call and now I'm so rested that I can finally get some of that cleaning done. So I fix the laptops, and I'm going through this box of Precious Moments figurines that my mom gave to me because she thought they would be worth something. She gave them to me like 4 years ago, I just haven't cared enough to do anything with them. But now, now I'm in my get rid of everything phase. So let's see how much these babies go for on ebay. Well the one above, some ebay store was selling it for over 300 freaking dollars. I saw another listing for like 75, and people were actually willing to pay that much. I'd be happy to get 50, I've got like 5 or 6 more of these figurines but I don't think any of them are worth as much as this one. It's amazing what people will pay when you make less of something and slap "collector's item" on the bottom.

I've been listening to this Dead Milkmen CD I got on Monday called Eat Your Paisley. They have this one song called Air Crash Museum about this guy who is going to feed his cattle and the plane carrying Richie Valens and the Big Bopper and the other people that everyone forgets that were on that plane has crashed on his lawn. So he stuffs the bodies and makes an air crash museum. The song is so wrong on so many levels but I think looking at those Precious Moment figurines made me sort of identify with it. You can find someone to pay for anything.

I'd better go now, I should sleep for a couple more hours at least :)

Here am I Lord, send me?

Still another said, "I will follow you, Lord; but first let me go back and say good-by to my family." Jesus replied, "No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God." - Luke 9:61-62

Jesus . . . said to him, ’One thing you lack: Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor . . . and come, take up the cross, and follow Me’ - Mark 10:21

I’m still here.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. Somehow I got stuck in this routine. Somehow I’ve amounted a bunch of attachments, or encumbrances, that keeps me from what is next. Not necessarily bad or evil things, but stuff that holds me back. Friends, bills, job: a routine. Oswald Chambers describes the guy in Luke 9 as a man who is fiercely ready to go, but never does. He has to go back to take care of things that aren’t really important before he follows Jesus. That’s what I feel like and it’s frustrating to be here. Or am I going already and just don’t know it? Can waiting be a part of going? Am I willing to give it all up, to give it all away and not look back?

A Beautiful Surrender

So I went to see Mute Math for the 5th (?) time last night. This time they were playing at the Henry Fonda theater, which apparently has such great security that they don’t even let the musicians in. (The picture above is the drummer from Mute Math waiting to get inside). It’s not my favorite concert venue for a number of reasons. They have the camera Gestapo that of course notices my camera, but not the other 50 that got into the venue. Apparently once you are crafty enough to sneak your camera inside, it’s OK to take pictures. Another great thing about this venue is they like to start their concerts early (which is the reason I missed Mute Math there last time), by 8:30 the first band was off the stage and the concert started at 8. Then Shiny Toy Guns came on, they were pretty good. Mute Math was next and gave an awesome performance as usual. I stood there in a sea of people singing along to lyrics like “Such a beautiful surrender” and “I can’t believe I never noticed my heart before” and wondered, do these people even know what they are singing? It made me wonder, could I write some idiotic catchy tune and sing it with enough intensity that people would sing along, not even thinking about what they are singing? Probably, I’ve come to think as of late that words are pretty meaningless to people. People will sing to anything, I do it too. It made me think of worship, well because Mute Math’s lyrics for the most part are that. I thought about how sometimes I just sing the lyrics because that’s what the powerpoint guy puts up on the screen. I wondered if when I run powerpoint if I could put up some nonsensical lyric to a song and would people sing along? I’d probably get excommunicated or something, but it would be an interesting experiment.


In other news I think I have a concert hangover. I don’t drink, I just think that staying out late and listening to loud music gave me a bad headache haha. We went to this cool record store called Amoeba beforehand and I got some random music including some CD of 1930s recordings of a bunch of women singers from “torrid regions”, Bela Fleck and the Flecktones and another Dead Milkmen CD called Eat Your Paisley. I picked up the Joshua Tree cd too by U2, but not for me.

minimalism

I want to get rid of everything. Seriously, I want to be detached from stuff. My stuff defines me and I despise it.

1st Corinthians says
1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

Hmm. Verse 3 seems to hit home. I've just been reminded again and again and even again how central love is to everything in the gospel. And again.



The airport is an amazing place. People come, people go. From all over the world. It's amazing how it all works, how the radar systems and the radar dudes control hundreds or thousands of flights coming in. The security, the parking, all the maintenance. It's really amazing when you think about all that goes on there, especially all that goes on at LAX. (FYI, the X in LAX doesn't stand for anything I found out) And 99% of the time nothing goes wrong. Us little people moving around so quickly, going from place to place. Rushing around. This society, our egos tells us that we are so important and big and that getting the next schnazzy thing is really what matters. But really, we're just little people on this little planet in this ever expanding universe. In reality, we're getting smaller and smaller all the time in comparison to the universe. We go from point A to point B and think and worry about what tomorrow will bring. We don't even know if tomorrow will exist for us, or for the world. But no one likes to think about that, no one likes to think about the bad things that could happen tomorrow and prepare themselves for it. Because it won't happen to us, no never, life is always going to be hunky dory.

James 4
13Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

living radically

I want to live more radically. I really don't know what that means, honestly. I was talking with a friend about riches on this earth. The majority of me doesn't want that, I know I could have a job that paid way more than what I make right now. But do I really want that much money? Not really, I'd probably just spend it on something dumb anyways. I don't think I can be trusted to use that much money wisely, at least yet. Every time I get a raise or a bonus I say I'm going to save it, but somehow it all goes away somewhere. A plane ticket, a retreat, insurance. Not even things that are necessarily bad to purchase, but I think I'm more carefree with my money when I know I have more and I just end up unconciously spending more than I normally do. And then I get stuck. I can't pay off these bills, I have to be in this place doing the same thing everyday of every week. When really I want to live radically, but I'm stuck here. And I want to break out of this confinement, this vanity that is the South Bay. I don't want to be defined by the money I make or the vehicle I drive, I don't want those things to matter to me. Sometimes I think that I will have to get rid of all my stuff. Boxes full of who knows what in my closet, video games, playstation 2, desktop computer. All that junk I have but I don't really need. I don't want to have to be asked, I want to do it, I want to have the desire to be rid of all of those things. So live more radically. But how, how can I take this first step? Well, I think it's pretty radical (not in the TMNT sense), but living out of the back of my truck is one of the few ways I can think to do it. As I sit here, as I look at the stuff around me that defines who I am, I just want to be more rid of it. Throw it away, give it away, sell it. Really it doesn't matter. It was so great being at the orphanage in Mexico, mixing cement and hauling dirt. All the stuff I thought meant to me. It didn't. I want to know that feeling on a deeper level, I want to somehow be scared about how little I have. I don't want to rely on myself or even try to for the things in life. People already do, but I think I want people to think I'm living so radically that they think I'm crazy.

Oh yah I recorded a song with the new John Kooker - it can be heard at www.myspace.com/nancydistributor

lucas

livid

my dad and step-mom: AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

yes. seriously. they were criticizing me at lunch today. for what? my hair. i'm not even kidding. the fact that I had gel in my hair, they went on for five minutes about my hair. I told them let's change the subject, but somehow that doesn't convey the sentiment of hey shut up well enough because my dad didn't stop. Oh that was just the beginning, but I'll stop there.

limited reality

i don't know why I titled the post that. Really, I guess it's what's been on my mind lately. How I really can't conceive of things the way they are. The world is just too amazingly big, and my little world is too amazingly small. Or is it? I don't know. It's been confusing me. So yah. Oh yah and my eating habits are still weird. Yesterday I had two slices of pizza and tried to eat a Quizno's salad but I don't even think I got halfway through, maybe the bag o' doritos I had before the salad filled me up?

Big lizard in my backyard

We have to blow up the things we don't understand!

back to the grind...

mental diarrhea

everything is more stressful today. here we are on planet earth, running around in this REALLY little circles. Our consciousness limits our reality. Seriously. It's so funny. The universe is so big, but our world is so small. We're worried about us, our job, our future. You know how many other people are worried about the same thing, and seriously it doesn't get you anywhere but one step closer to the end. Forget it, why are you worried about the database server locking up. If it didn't, you might get two more minutes of work done but I doubt that is going to have a huge effect on your overall output. Stop stressing out, slow down. Take life a little bit easier. Find your purpose, is it selling loans? Most of the purpose in this area is a vanity that is unlike any other. Buy the next car, get the next thing, what's next, what can I get. I don't want that, I don't want a house, I don't want a wife, I don't want 2.5 kids, I don't want a schnazzy ride. When I say I, I mean the deeper part of me. The sinful, regular Lucas wants all those things. But deep down, I want to serve God. If I get those things while serving God I won't complain and I'll give Him glory. I'm done with the vanity.

stressed

I was fine last night. I read my Bible, I read some of Blue Like Jazz, i found my old journal that I hadn't written in in three years. I was content. I was ok with being still for once, it was nice. I asked God to lead me. I told Him His will was more than enough for me. This morning, I'm upset again. Some days I can't deal with the world, with this job, with what my mind thinks about. I want to fast again, but I hate that I do it so much. Actually, I am fasting right now but I don't think I will let it last very long. I get so worried all of the time about the dumb cares of this world, I fast to tell God to help me remember what is important. His Glory, His will. Not my stupid concerns. We're so small, we're little. We're running around going nowhere. And I want to stop, but I can't. I want to forget what's important to me, forget this job, forget who I am. I want a new identity. Or maybe I just want the identity I've lost back. What happened to the joy I once had?

"Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place." - Revelation 2:5

Looking at my journal, I realized how far I've fallen. I was so happy as a new believer, three years ago. I wanted more than anything to please God. I could sit for hours and play guitar, journal and read. I had no full time job and I had no clue what was in store for me next, but I was content. I had a smaller community than I do right now, but I was happy that God had given me the people He did give me. Now I have no clue what is next and it worries me. I want to know. God give me answer I scream. And he's silent, because really it's silly for me to ask that. He knows the plans He has for me. To prosper me. Not to harm me.

Lucas

driving through texas

Mexico Driving

echoes fade